softly running waters never
question whose cold body
is that, or why the tears
or reveal what game
horror froze the deer
lake mirrors seldom
reject reflection, untamed
virgin eyes break
surface tension
as washing
not for slaughter, fleshlier
shredding pierced pelts to bend
her hunting ear, she stands
dripped to the waist
nose to the sun
when the pouncing is done
the daily grind, reduced
to old predation
by spreadsheet
she blinks
dry, holding an empty
pink hand soaked
in perfume to milk
the mind, disrobed, then
in quick epic feat
we meet a god sweating
over luxury brands
_____________
This started as an attempt to sonnet (something I never do), but I hated it.
So, I gave it the old line break treatment, and made peace with it.
______________
The Lost Tablet of Enkidu
softly running waters never question
whose cold body is that, or why the tears
or reveal what game horror froze the deer
lake mirrors seldom reject reflection
untamed virgin eyes break surface tension
as washing not for slaughter, fleshlier
shredding pierced pelts to bend her hunting ear
she stands, dripped to the waist, nose to the sun
whose cold body is that, or why the tears
or reveal what game horror froze the deer
lake mirrors seldom reject reflection
untamed virgin eyes break surface tension
as washing not for slaughter, fleshlier
shredding pierced pelts to bend her hunting ear
she stands, dripped to the waist, nose to the sun
when the pouncing is done, the daily grind
reduced to old predation by spreadsheet
she blinks dry, holding an empty pink hand
soaked in perfume to milk the mind
disrobed, then in quick epic feat we meet
a god sweating over luxury brands
_________________________________
It's an ambitious theme to start with, I think – and handled well. I think I like the sonnet somewhat better – but the second version could be better still with some further rewriting. As it is, the new line endings and beginnings don't always work very well for me, and create a bit of an interruption of thought. However, that is not extreme, and both versions are interesting.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your valuable feedback. I totally see what you're saying about the interruption of thought as I go back and reevaluate the two poems. I like to use the line breaks to introduce ambiguity or to play with multiple meanings between lines--sometimes it works better than others. I'll definitely revisit these poems.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really familiar with the Epic of Gilgamesh but this is an interesting reference.
ReplyDelete